There was a girl. The book calls her Snow. Her whole name sounds fake, but people use fake names to protect their identities when they need to.

There was supposed to be a reason for her name. She was white as snow. And red as blood and black as coal. Probably in different body parts, because mix it all and you get mud brown. Whatever color she was, people thought she was pretty.

Her stepmom got jealous and tried to kill her. Her dad didn’t do anything, he was dead and useless. The mom’s hired killer was also useless. He couldn’t kill Snow because she was pretty, so he let her go, thinking her mom wouldn’t notice.

So Snow ran away from home to live with a bunch of little guys who were probably faeries, the kind they kicked off the Citadel for being lazy. There were seven of them, and with Snow there were eight roommates.

Snow’s mom knew she wasn’t dead because her magic mirror said so. She decided to do the job with her own hands. She put on a disguise and came to the house where Snow was living and gave Snow an apple with poison. To show it wasn’t poisoned, she cut it in half and ate the ugly unripe-looking half before giving Snow the good pretty red half. I’m not actually sure this trick is possible without cutting the apple first, but then you can’t glue it back together. Maybe she used a syringe, but I don’t know what poison only takes up half an apple and changes that half to be a different color without looking natural, or how much she would need, or where to get a poison like it.

But that’s what she did. With so much to go wrong, no wonder her plan didn’t work. But she got close. Snow was hungry enough to eat half of the apple and fell down into a magic coma.

Her faerie friends came back too late. They didn’t get any help for her. They left her sleeping and put her on show in a crystal box, like a limited-edition doll. They could look at her and do anything they wanted to her and she couldn’t move or say anything.

Snow woke up eventually, here’s how.

A prince drove into the town and saw her on display. He decided to buy her. On the way to put her in his car, he and his stupid assistant dropped her. She landed on her stomach and the old chewed up apple bits were punted out her gut. She spat them out and woke up.

Her mom was smart. Maybe even a scientist. But the lady was not lucky, and when you’re unlucky a bunch of useless guys can make sure you never win. They don’t even have to try. I’m not sure Snow was lucky though. Her mom tried to kill her twice and her friends were no good. If she got a happy end, it depends on the kind of guy the prince was.

He drove into town randomly, so he wasn’t trying to be a hero. But afterward he helped Snow track down her mom and locked the old lady into metal shoes and had her dance on coals in front of everyone, which killed her. Snow probably asked him to do it.

Maybe he was a good guy after all.